Turn Up Your Hearing Aid

Phone conversation of the day (customer name changed to protect privacy):

Me: Can I help you?
Customer Hi, Jordan this is Susan. Can you look and see if the doctor called in my prescription?
Me: Let me take a look. [Reaches for keyboard.]
Customer: Oh, they haven't?
Me: I haven't even looked you up yet, Susan. [Typing in customer name.]
Customer: Alright, darn, I was hoping they would have. I'll check back.
Me: Susan, I haven't even looked you up yet. Hang on.
Customer: Okay... Bye!
Me: SUSAN!

The Neufeld Nonsense: Best Prayer Ever?

"Dear Jesus, please let our food be bacon. Amen."

- Ava, Age 4 (9/22/2013)

The Neufeld Nonsense: Growing Up In A Digital World Will Do This

The following happened on June 20th, 2018.

Ezri and I were playing a game of Bellz, a table top game where you use a magnet to pick up your specific color of metal bells without picking up any of the other colors. I had to get up for a moment to do something in another room, and when I got back she was off playing with her brother, Oliver.

So I called her. "Ezri, are you still playing?"

Her reply?

"No, I logged out."

What

"I don't want to take your peters."

- Me, at work, no context.

April Fools 2019

I started playing Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley on repeat at work. It lasted a whole hour and a half before anyone said anything.

The Boy and the Bees

My kids really enjoy playing in the sun. This is especially true for my son, Oliver. He absolutely loves going outside. He loves playing in the dirt, in the sand, and running around chasing after his sisters. It's to the point where we have to make sure we lock the doors so that he won't try to sneak outside.

The little guy managed to do just that one morning before anyone else was up, played around out there for a little while, stripped off a poop-filled diaper in the carport and then ran his naked, brown-streaked butt inside to let everyone know he needed to get cleaned up. Mind you this was at 6 in the morning during the summer. Needless to say that anymore we're pretty careful with making sure he can't get out when we're not looking.

But for the most part he's pretty safe outside. We live in the country and we have a fully fenced property, so we usually let him run around out there when we're awake and can pay attention.

Such was the case the other day when my wife sent him outside to play while I was at work. Normally this isn't much of an issue. But that day, it was.

I got the call while I was on lunch. It was my wife, sounding a bit more panicked than usual.

"Oliver's been stung. I need someone to bring me some Benadryl."

Now, I'm thinking maybe he somehow accidentally stepped on a bee or something, getting one, maybe two stings for his trouble. But no, that wasn't it. Not at all. I come to find out he got stung by a combination of hornets, yellow jackets and honey bees. All at once. Many, many times.

Needless to say I rushed on home with that Benedryl to make sure everything was alright. I'm pretty sure I didn't break any traffic laws doing it.

I got home, rushed in the door and found my wife in the living room with a now relatively calm Oliver. Well, calm for a two-year old that had just been stung by a large number of bees and hornets. He was stripped down and covered in stuff to take care of the itch and pain, and the Benedryl was for any allergic reactions.

Apparently he had been playing out in the back yard, and had come across some of the stinger-welding insects that were getting a drink in a bird bath. He really wasn't trying to mess with them (he's usually pretty timid around bugs anyway), but because he disturbed them they went on full on attack mode.

He started screaming.

My wife heard him and ran out to see what was the matter.

She wasn't the only one, either. At this point in the story, I want to make a shout out to the neighbors two houses over that booked it across two lawns and cleared the three-foot fence to make come and help. Thanks guys!

Anyway, they stripped him down, got the bees and things off him, brought him inside, and pulled the bee stingers out with tweezers.Thankfully, aside from the trauma and the actual stings, he wound up being okay. He didn't have any allergic reactions or anything, which is great considering he had been stung around twenty times from what we could tell, four of which we can confirm actually were honey bees. The rest were all from hornets and yellowjackets (which don't leave behind their stingers.)

With the boy calmed down, Brie was able to walk outside and find a source for the yellowjackets (there was a nest in the ground near the bird bath) but that didn't explain all of the insects that attacked him.

It was then my Dad found the location of the nest of bald-faced hornets in one of the apple trees. That one... well, let's just say that one was bigger than my head.

So we called an exterminator. The guy came by the Monday morning after. He went around looking at all of the different nests and sprayed, but when he got to the hornet nest... he was stumped.

Yes, the huge hornet stumped the exterminator. (It was eventually sprayed as well.)

Now, why am I telling you this story? Well, it's to provide a little bit of vital backstory to this next conversation:

"Butt-Faced Hornets"

My oldest daughter, Ava, had been saying something about there being a lot of bees outside (she meant yellowjackets and hornets.) My wife was trying to tell her that they weren't bees.

"Those are from the huge nest out in the tree. Those are the bald-faced hornets." She said.

Oliver, who was still not over his ordeal with the swarm of various stinger-insects, looks us confused. He thinks for a moment or two, before looking at us with a grin and repeating what he thought he heard.

"Butt-faced hornets?"

Yep. That's my boy.

Where There's Smoke There's Burnt Cookies

Names left unchanged for heckling purposes. Also, it smelled awful.
March 27th, 2018

The Neufeld Nonsense: I Feed My Kids, I Promise

"My nose is out of boogers because I eated them all."

- Ava, Age 2 (9/17/2011)

Playtime Got Dark

The Neufeld Nonsense: The Pot

Text conversation with my wife. Pretty much like all the other conversations with my wife, but with pictures.
August 1st, 2017

A Note on March 15th, 2019